After that last post, I feel like Kanye West on a Katrina telethon — only difference is that Mike Myers isn’t standing next to me with bewilderment. And Mr. Myers could care less about the ICM play that vendors are making. There goes that over used word.
Placeholder thoughts:
Marissa Nadler - The Saga Of Mayflower May
:: [make reference to Hope Sandoval here.] [add coy remarks about "how to hit on hot hippy chics" here] [write something mean about how she shouldn't use the same guitar track for all the songs.] [apologize for sounding sexist earlier.]
The Deadly Snakes - Porcella
:: [write broad statements about artists from Toronto since they all obviously know each other, even the ones from Montreal.] [say Montreal like the French. Mont-ree-aal. scold anyone who says it differently.] [try to make uber intelligent comparisons between "Porcella" and records of other dead musicians here.] [try to stop using the word uber so damn much.] [remind Fred Wilson that he's got much better taste in music than most other VCs and that he would likely enjoy Porcella.] [apologize for sounding like a pretentious snot for making fun of people much smarter than myself.]
Young Jeezy - Let’s Get It: Thug Motivation 101
:: [make excuse for not providing a link to an otherwise worthless record other than the first single here .] [proclaim that people should stop hatin' on a young G when a West Coast VC starts talkin' smack about East Coast playas.] [change all the verbiage in VC term sheets that refer to money to yams.] [force a limited partner to refer to revenue recognition as stackin' my flow.] [at the end of a meeting to close a round of financing, start chanting boom, boom, clap. repeat three times. make everyone join your chant in order to close the transaction.]
Rosie Thomas - If Songs Could Be Held
:: [make Pitchfork style comparison between the trinity of Matador, SubPop, and Merge here.] [read allmusic.com before writing review to gather last minute information to be able to make Joni Mitchell comparison here. [make everyone feel stupid for not knowing who Rosie Thomas was before today though I just found out myself.] [make pedestrian Christian pop comparisons here, sadly enough.] [write about how SubPop just lost points in my book after hearing this record.] [remind myself that SubPop just won points back after remembering about the Rogue Wave releases this year.]
Junior Senior - Hey Hey My My Yo Yo
:: [make friendly fun of my pal Paul Cox here for going on and on about this band a couple of years ago with their hit Denmark single.] [remind myself that this record would be great fun for a late night crappy hour event in South Carolina after the bars close Sunday morning at 2AM.] [write about how "Blue Laws" are stupid and how I should be able to stay out all night long roaming the streets of Five Points if I damn well feel like it.] [make up story about Junior Senior lip synching at shows considering the falsetto that no normal man should have other than the genius himself, Mac McCaughan.]
Castanets - First Light’s Freeze
:: [write about how I thought I was going to hate this record after listening to the first two tracks, then ended up listenting to it all the way through 3 times in a row because it's so bizarre and interesting at the same time.] [try not to write about my deep, dark hatred for Sufjan Stevens since Castanets are on the Asthmatic Kitty label as well.] [apologize for irrational thinking sometimes when it comes to music.] I hate Sufjan Stevens like the plague. [don't ask me why, but there --- I got it out.] [write about how I really, really didn't like the Castanets 2004 release entitled "Cathedrals" regardless of the classic Pitchfork pump and dump enthusiasm for the record.] [don't forget to point out that pump and dump techniques on Wall Street are illegal and immoral and that I've never done the same on Yahoo! Finance message boards with my own company's stock in order to roll around crunked up in the ATL.] [joking, joking.]
Early Man - Closing In
:: [write about this record being heavy. period.] [comment about only poseurs follow a seemingly profound sentence or fragment with the single word 'period.'] [insert plenty of b-side Judas Priest references here.] [compare and contrast to Minor Threat releases.] [thank Matador for the bio.] [make witty comment about Gerard's band in comparison to Early Man to start an inter-blog fight again.] [Remember not to bait Gerard as he is wittier than me.]
Boduf Songs - Boduf Songs
:: [try not to make any dumb comparisons between M. Sweet and M. Ward since there are none to be made other than the obvious similarities in abbreviation of the name Matt.] [try not to use the classic reviewer word haunting when describing Boduf Songs, though it's a little fucking haunting.] [assume that your readers know that the violin bow is the strange humming sound throughout the record.] [wonder out aloud how shit just "ends up" in the hands of record label and they decide to put the demo recording out "as is."] [bet here how Pitchfork will rave up and down about this record, sending it to the top of the college radio charts.] [accuse Pitchfork of some scandalous kickback activities since we all desperately want to see TinyMixTapes take over the Indie world.] [Try not to make any Iron & Wine comparisons because they're too easy and M. Sweet lacks the wicked Sam Beam beard that gets him all the hot sorority chics.]
The Sun - Blame It On The Youth
:: [try not to feel like I did when I first heard Coldplay's "Yellow" and wished that the world didn't know about them to keep them as my little secret.] [write about how people like me need to keep an open mind for a good band even though they're on Warner Bros: the root of all evil.] [write about how bands like The Sun need to be judged on their own merit without letting the Indie kids make too many illogical comparisons to other polished big city bands even though these guys are like from fucking Ohio or something.] [try not to write too many run-on sentences.] [try not to curse too much.] [guess the Pitchfork review for this record to be under 5.7 though it's probably closer to a 7.9.] [make some avant garde statements about how applying a numerical rating system to art is lame.]
